Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
