Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize