Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
