yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
