and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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