were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so much tequila, so little girl.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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