Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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