I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
