No awkward lesbian experiences without me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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