I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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