i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
