That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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