I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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