So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
