hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
