Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
