dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
