I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
bring money and cleavage
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
