If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
