I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!