At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed