can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
