Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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