I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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