Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
