Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
