i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
