Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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