dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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