she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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