i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
