Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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