totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
