he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I party with great urgency now.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
