Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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