I'm really into asian looking animals
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
