broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
