She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
