I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
