I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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