There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
