I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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