The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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