No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
