Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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