He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
