Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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