Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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