when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You can't motorboat a personality
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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