apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
