you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Found the puke drawer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
