my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
