you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
