she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Drake has all the answers
It's shark week go big or go home
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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