Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
