Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
