it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
