I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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