Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
