I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
